For those of you who have followed this blog in the past, “Hello again.” Life has been quite hectic for the past few months, so I hadn’t been checking the blog very regularly. When I did- imagine my alarm to find that it had been removed. Apparently, I had missed a renewal payment and discovered that not only was it not functioning, but also that restoring it was not possible and the only real option was starting over. In order to return credibility to my name on internet searches, (it is alarming to find your name mentioned with warnings as a possible source of malicious internet activity) I’m trying to start over.
This whole process of starting over has gotten me thinking. It is a new year, and that would seem to be an appropriate time to begin again in many areas of my life. Sigh…but it’s not easy. Restarting the blog is easy by comparison even though I am technologically incompetent. Words like “adventurous, spontaneous, rash”, left my vocabulary as descriptions of myself with about the birth of my first child.
The greatest new beginning is our salvation, 2 Corinthians 9:7 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” God is the only one who can give us a genuinely new start and even though we are forgiven and He is merciful, He doesn’t always choose to deliver us from the earthly consequences of our wrong choices whether they were sinful or not.
Here are some points I am trying to learn:
- Acknowledge what went wrong the first time. Something vital was ignored, neglected, destroyed by myself or in conjunction with someone else. Even if I was completely innocent, which is rarely the case, if it is no longer fixable it’s time to stop crying over it like Samuel did Saul- go anoint the new direction and start over (1 Samuel 16:1).
- The second is like unto the first. Letting go of failure-refusing, if God has forgiven me, to keep on flogging myself. (1 John 3:20)
- Forgiveness of others which includes letting God weed out the bitterness. God has to pull this one, I’m not strong enough. Forgetting is not always possible but, when it all comes flooding back if God can enable me to see the other person through His eyes- I cannot help but feel compassion. How does God see that person?
- Moving forward into an unknown future with a renewed commitment to God that trusts Him enough to risk relationships even if that trust is violated. The older I get, the more I realize that in this sinful, fallen world -hurt is inevitable! Either I curl up and crawl away to hide, or I have to trust the NEVER-FAILING love of God, allow Him to deliver justice on my behalf, and trust that He WILL make ALL things work together for my good. If I cannot do that, I will withdraw and avoid people the rest of my life- cause they just mean sometimes! *
- I must admit- I cannot do it all! I don’t think that I ever really thought I could…I was just so busy trying to that I never stopped to admit it wasn’t working. I am not able to do every job at the church, be on call 24-7, be made-up, fixed up and show up for every need I encounter. It isn’t even a matter of compassion fatigue anymore, although I have been there, it is simply physical fatigue at this point. I have to sleep right, eat right, and know my limitations, or it (meaning me) is just going to hurt. Besides, since when was God only able to use me? If I do it all, others will never get a chance to step into the place God has for them. I don’t want Him to have to move me out of the way.
- Last but not least. If I am going to start over, I’m going to need somebody smarter than me. Not just the helpline tech guys I have been harassing for a week, poor things. The older I get, the more I realize how flawed I am. “I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do” now as much as I did when I was 16 and not listening anyway. But I also know that EVERY other human’s reasoning can be as convoluted as mine! It is only the wisdom from above that is “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17. I want to listen to that voice!
Starting over can be a process that as my granddaughter says, “It takes 2-ever”. 2-ever or 4-ever, change is never easy. But I know that He who began the good work in me doesn’t have to start over because He has never stopped and He never will. (Philippians 1:6)
*Please do not stay in an abusive situation. You can work on forgiveness and learn to trust God much better from a safe place!