I am actually not a very good parent. There, I confessed it. I said it out in the open for the entire world to hear. My husband is the education commissioner over our denominations colleges, seminaries etc. in Asia. He has a grueling travel schedule and so is seldom home. For the past five years, living overseas I have been in the unique position of being a married single parent to two teenage boys. Beyond the obvious challenges of being a mother and raising boys, the fact is that I have never enjoyed the hard work of character formation.
You know, all that discipline, correction, reproving, I just wanted them to want to do the right thing without my having to make them. Yes, I understand fallen human nature and the need to instill morals, righteousness, and obedience to God’s commands. I know a child with no boundaries will go up selfish, entitled, and spoiled. However, my intense dislike of being the boundary police has caused my lines to waver and be inconsistent more often than not. I pray God will have mercy and fill the many gaps I left with His grace.
Now that I have two adult children out on their own, and hopefully another soon to leave the nest; I find my relationship to them much more relaxed. Now that I do not feel compelled to “fix” them, I can enjoy just knowing them. I would so much rather discuss writing and literature with my oldest, enjoy arts and crafts with my second, discuss world politics and social causes with my third, and share music with my youngest; than I would force them to eat right, be polite, do their homework and go to bed on time!
Having spent all my parenting years struggling to find the proper balance between mercy and punishment, I was intrigued recently by this quote from John Stott,
“All parents know the costliness of love, and what it means to be torn apart by conflicting emotions, especially when there is a need to punish the children. Perhaps the boldest of all human models of God in the Scripture is the pain of parenthood which is attributed to him in Hosea, chapter 11.” [i]
In Hosea God speaks of his relationship with his children like a parent.
11 When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son…
3 Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk;
I took them up by their arms,
but they did not know that I healed them.
4 I led them with cords of kindness,
with the bands of love,
and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,
and I bent down to them and fed them.
He then describes their incredible rebellion and disobedience.
“They have refused to return to me”; “My people are bent on turning away from me.” “Ephraim has surrounded me with lies, and the house of Israel with deceit,”
God knows they deserve only judgment, but the father heart of God cries out,
“8 How
can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, O Israel?
…My heart recoils within me;
my compassion grows warm and tender.”
So I wondered, does God ever long to get beyond the continual discipline, need for constant correction phase of relationship with us? John 15:14 seems to indicate that He does.
“14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.” God as a good parent wants all that he teaches us to become so ingrained in us that it is obvious that He put his law within us, and wrote it on our hearts. (Jeremiah 31:33) It is this internalization of values, which we all long to see in our own children.
When we love Him, we desire to please Him and do what He commands, and then the best part happens; He starts calling us friends. No longer needing the constant rebuke and correction of children, but having such a desire for unbroken fellowship that we follow His commands so that we do not hurt our friend.
I love being friends with my children! While I realize
that I will never get beyond the need for correction from the Father in heaven,
I am longing for more moments of sharing friendship.
Stott, John. The Cross of Christ. 20th anniversary edition. Nottingham: Intervarsity Press, 1986,2006.