Tag: Hurting people hurt people

Taking Offense

What does it mean to take offense? Various online dictionaries define it as follows:

 To feel (and usually to show) emotional pain and resentment at another’s actions or words.

Confession time, I recently took offense when someone’s behavior triggered some painful memories for me. How could he act that way? He seemed to be intentionally inflicting emotional pain, and I resented it deeply. I guess I am in good company; the disciples even took offense with Jesus when He began to teach them things they did not want to hear. John 6:60-61

60 When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” 61 But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this?

So what would have been the better response on my part in dealing with the offense?  How could I keep my heart clean of the dark film that resentment would bring? Surely, bitterness must be the next step beyond resentment. 

Solomon seems to say that we have a choice; we can use love to cover the offense, overlook it, not share it with others, and above all keep calm. (He was a wise man…)

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Ecclesiastes 10:4 If the anger of the ruler rises against you, do not leave your place, for calmness will lay great offenses to rest.

Basically, offenses will come to us. We will be offended by the words and actions of other. Offenses will come, but we do not have to “take” them into ourselves. The hurtful comments do not have to find a place in our identity. I can choose to let love cover the offense by believing the person was only acting out of the hurt he was feeling. (See Hurting People)

I can choose not to “take” the offense to others thereby spreading the resentment. Again, a choice characterized as seeking love.

The offense can be overlooked if I choose not to “take” it into my view of the person so that all my future encounters with this person are colored by this event.

Mainly, I need to keep calm, give the hurt to the Healer, and find a place of rest in my spirit through forgiveness.

Hurting People

While it may be simplistic to say that hurting people-hurt other people, anyone who has ever attempted to help a hurt or wounded animal knows there is some truth in the statement. You may be the one trying to bring healing, but you can expect to be bitten or at least, shall we say, growled at in warning. A person who is feeling overwhelmed and hurting on the inside is more likely to lash out even toward those who are attempting to help them. They expect to be able to drive you away with their anger. If, within the bounds of safety, you are able to endure their anger you may be able to earn their trust as well. Herein lies the problem, when we feel we have done nothing to deserve the anger or abuse being heaped upon us, we also feel a desire to retaliate or defend ourselves. 

However, retaliation is not our responsibility. If we are following Christ, it is not our job to defend ourselves; it is His. Paul in writing to the Romans goes so far as to say NEVER avenge yourself. Romans 12:19(ESV)

19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

And of course those most difficult words of Christ,

Matthew 5:39, But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Oswald Chambers offers some insight,

The teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is not- Do your duty, but – Do what is not your duty. It is not your duty to go the second mile, to turn the other cheek, but Jesus says if we are His disciples, we shall always do these things. There will be no spirit of –“Oh, well, I cannot do anymore; I have been so misrepresented and misunderstood”. Every time I insist upon my rights, I hurt the Son of God; whereas I can prevent Jesus being hurt if I take the blow myself. That is the meaning of filling up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ. [1]

Can we look at an angry person and see the hurt behind their expressions of frustration toward us?  Can we absorb their anger into the grace of God within us, and prevent it from traveling on to someone else? After all, if their hurt and anger were dumped on someone who was not able by the grace of God to take the blow; that person will probably pass on the hurt by hurting someone else.

[1] Chambers, Oswald. My utmost for His highest. Uhrichville: Barbour Publishing, 1963.