What a year this has been! This is even evidenced by the fact that after recovering my blog account, I have only managed to post two the entire year. I spent the lockdown in my garden, not at my computer -it was essential to my mental health. I realize some might equate this behavior with the ostrich sticking its head in the sand, but it was all too much. So here I am- a couple of hard freezes, and the garden is down for the winter, and I am back at the computer again.
What has been hardest this year is that each of the issues that have arisen has shoved a mirror in my face and forced me to confront deeply buried images of myself.
Racism, Politics, COVID-19, and the death of my Father have caused me to confront myself more than anyone else.
Where have I let racist attitudes, feelings of superiority, pride that I am not like that “other” person creep into my life? Am I too proud to even admit these attitudes are there? How do I love the African American grandparents with their tribe of little grand-boys who have to somehow raise them in a culture where the odds are stacked against them? Equally important, how do I love the most dedicated, honest, kindest lawman and his wife who fears daily for his safety when he goes out to do and be the best he can be for the public safety?
Politically- Can I still love people who are willing to let their version of politics come between us? How do I love people who will condemn my faith if my politics does not agree with theirs?
So many people have died this year, family and friends! I have had to face- not my fear of death but my anger and hatred of it! There is a reason why death is finally thrown into hell at the end of time- it is not our friend!
Revelations 20:14 “Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire.”
How can I protect the physically vulnerable people in my life from a deadly virus without being judgmental of those I feel would put them at risk? Is it even possible to adequately care for people and keep them at arms-length or 6 feet?
How do I say goodbye to someone I love but with whom I realize I have some unresolved issues? Especially since, given the progression of his disease, I would have had to talk to him ten years ago when I was too overwhelmed with parenting and making my own mistakes with my kids. What do you do with a hurt that was never intentional, but that happened?
So, I have seen my racism, pride, fear, hurt, anxiety, fear, failure- it has been glaringly revealed by the trauma of this year. I have heard the gentle rebukes of the Spirit as He touched the hurting or inflamed, tender places of my heart. It has been a painful year. I realize I still don’t know even the depths of my own heart…
1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. NKJV
There is also a danger in thinking that becoming aware of all these issues is enough. I acknowledge them, so now I’m done. I believe God expects me to do more than that…
James 1:23-24 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.
There is only one way to face this new year without despair, and that is to fix my eyes on Jesus and allow Him complete access to all the ugly parts of me. Only He is capable of transforming me until I look and act like Him!
2 Corinthians 3:18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. NKJV
“We are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us.” C.S. Lewis
Looking forward to this next year, I thought of this song by one of my favorite artists Sara Groves.
You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light
And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light
And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
Shine on me with your light
Without you I am a cold dark stone
Shine on me I have no light of my own
You are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun
And I am the moon