Someone opened my closet.
All the stuff came pouring out. All the stored, labeled, packed away issues I thought I had dealt with years ago. My loneliness, abandonment issues, bitterness, regret, blaming, and so much sadness and loss lay there in front of this person that I hardly knew. I felt exposed, raw, and so guilty.
It was probably an opportunity to respond differently this time. I wish I had done that.
The thing is, I have cleaned out this closet. So. Many. Times. I’ve opened every box, emptied the contents, wrestled with God over them, mourned, repented -why are they still there? Dust and maybe a few pantry moths, that I can never seem to get rid of, should have been all that floated out of that dark door.
Part of the problem is that the circumstances that aggravate the issues have not gone away. I can’t FIX it. And for all my prayers and tears, God has chosen not to fix it either.
Somehow, I have to get to this place:
I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance- I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)
I know that some of this struggle is about forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary, but if the situation causing pain is ongoing, I have found that the forgiveness will also need to be.
Colossians 3:13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
What is helpful in that verse is not the admonition to forgive but the “bearing with one another.” There are some things we have to “bear”: defined as carrying the weight of support/enduring an ordeal or difficulty.
So, what I am choosing to believe is the following:
That God can give me the strength to learn contentment in my situation.
That if I am filled with the love of God, I can bear all things, including the need to forgive an ongoing hurt.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7
Maybe next time someone touches that door, I can just ask them to pray for me…