Now I lay me down to sleep…
Does anyone else remember this prayer? I’m sure there are variations, but the version I remember goes as follows:
Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night, and wake me with the morning light. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I remember repeating it as a child at night, but I don’t recall teaching it to my children. Why?
Well, it’s a bit dark…all that dying in your sleep stuff. Not exactly the thought you want to implant in your child’s mind to send them into peaceful dreams.
However, I have been drawn back to it recently at this strange phase of my life. For a couple years, I have been dealing with a heart condition diagnosed as microvascular coronary vasospasms. It is not something that can be surgically fixed; it has to be managed with medication. Unfortunately, the condition keeps catching up to the medication. The bottom line is that a severe heart spasm can cause a heart attack and kill me. The other fun fact is that for me the spasms usually hit me around 4-5 am, and some have been pretty bad.
So here I am- strange how full circle this feels- praying “if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
Most of the time, going about my day, I don’t really think about dying. I believe my heart is “right” with God, or maybe more accurately, His great grace covers my multitude of failure, sins, mistakes, and downright stupidity. O how I love Jesus- because He first love me! (Wow! That early childhood stuff is really coming back!)
I have at least on one occasion when my husband was traveling woken up in a panic with the thought, “If I die in my sleep, no one will know!” Not sure why that thought was so overwhelming since logically if I’m dead I would be beyond caring. Still…
The funny thing is- based on my Psychology/counseling training- the best thing to do with an overwhelming fear is to tell someone. Naming it- disarms it. For example, a person who feels suicidal is less likely to do it if they tell someone.
So, I told my husband- he freaked out- I got lots of calls and attention from my boys. Actually…it was great! But I really wasn’t trying to scare them; just cope with my own head.
So, why am I writing all this? First of all, because putting it down in writing is how I have always coped with overwhelming things. Second of all, just in case, I want my friends and family to know that I love you all! I realize I have often failed to do that well, and I pray that God will give you the grace to forgive me.
I have a good Dr., thank the Lord, and I still plan to live for many years. I have goals. I’m attempting to live more fully in each moment. The hard parts are-
letting others do things for me,
worrying about who will take care of the people I love if I am not here,
feeling I must be failing God because I cannot DO all the jobs anymore.
I have a reminder on my phone now that goes like this:
Thank you for listening. You are loved!