I do not generally have to force myself to write something. However, God has been showing me something lately that I feel the need to share, and it is a bit tough. I know some of you who have known me for years will find this confession a no-brainer, but I find myself suddenly realizing I am a perfectionist. I know…I never could break rules, felt guilty over everything, have lived my entire life trying to dot all the i’s and to cross all the t’s. I just thought since I was not OCD about keeping my house clean; I really was not a perfectionist!
Perfectionism has been defined as follows, “a constant and all- pervading feel of never quite measuring up, never quite being or doing enough to please. To please whom? Everyone-yourself, others, and God. Naturally, a lot of self-belittling and self-contempt goes along with it, together with a super sensitivity to the opinions, to the approval, and the disapproval of others. And all of this is accompanied by a cloud of guilt. The perfectionist almost has to feel guilty, if for nothing else, not feeling guilty about something!”[1]
Ok…yeah, that probably describes me. So how did I get this way? My parents were not the sort who held up unrealistic expectations for us. Yes, we grew up in a rather rigid religious era of external conformity to standards of dress and behavior, but I do not think that was it either. I wonder if perhaps I was looking for a way to be noticed among my crowd of siblings, and since “sainthood” was the only role no one else was willing to try, I tried that. We had the explorer, commander, rebel, clown, cutie, baby etc. If I could just be “good”, enough God would be happy with me.
What God has been showing me is that God has amazing grace! Not just grace that reaches to lift those who have fallen into pits of sin and depravity, but also grace enough to cover those who, no matter what they do, will never in their own eyes be good enough. “Grace is not only God’s undeserved mercy and favor. It is also unearned and can never be repaid.” It is simple really; apart From Him, I can do nothing, really nothing- all my righteousness is filthy rags- and all my attempts will fall short. Not because God is unrealistic and demanding but because He wants me to know Him, depend on Him, live in and through Him only. On my own, I am a Martha, Luke 10:40-42, trying desperately to please Him- frustrating myself and getting frustrated with everyone around me. I become a “grievance collector”.
Throughout my walk with God, I have had my Mary
moments of living in connected devotion to Him. Apparently, it is a choice we
get to make, Mary had chosen the better part, and by His amazing grace, so can
I!
Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Colorado Springs: Cook Communications, 2004. ffff